Just Give Me a Reason A Dramione Fic Chpt 1

Draco POV
The Girl Deserves Better (Song: The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice  www.youtube.com/watch?v=esK3BU…) (Also in Spotify)

            Was it possible to feel this cold in the middle of June? I knew it wasn't cold. Though the skies were clear and the moon was shining as bright as ever on the summer grass, I shivered. Hermione would be here in a few minutes and then I would try, once again, to cut her off. Dinner had finished about thirty minutes ago. I hadn't gone. I couldn't. Just the thought of eating made my stomach heave. No. I had been out on the grounds for the past three hours. This had to be the night. We finished our N.E.W.T.'s two days earlier and had a weekend then five days of review and future planning before boarding the Hogwarts Express for the last time. If things continued any longer I would cave in and drag her down with me. Hermione deserved better. She deserved someone whole, someone with a sunny disposition, someone who was unmarked by past blunders and dead Dark Lords. Any path I took in life would be twice as hard because of my name. Malfoys had fallen from grace and every angle looked more impossible as time went on. Crushing pressure pulled me down to my knees and clouded my vision. She would be cut free tonight or it would get her too. Love wasn't a term often used in my childhood and neither of us had uttered it yet, though we both knew that's where we were headed. In my mind it sounded each moment I was with her. Love. I loved her. That old quote 'if you love her let her go' raced through my mind like a message behind a Muggle airplane. Unlike that phrase, I hoped she didn't come back. She was safer that way. Besides, Hermione had a future, an ambitious one, waiting for her.
           After school ended she would start an internship in Italy with the Ministry of Magic. There were things to be studied, papers to be filed, Italian men to meet. Tonight when I fled Hogwarts there would be nothing waiting for me. Nothing except Malfoy Manor and its horrid memories, a broken and half mad father, and a mother who refused to take off her rose-colored outlook on life or her belief that we would rise again. My future was like a red dwarf planet, just waiting to loose momentum and burn out. Listening to all the Slytherins talk recently set my teeth on edge. Those who had been effected by the Dark Lord tended to be quieter about the future (We all knew our reputations were tarnished and offers were few.) while those who had escaped that fate were busily comparing what the next year would hold for them. Blaise Zambini was also going to Italy, though he was going to be rating restaurants and spirits when he wasn't relaxing at his family's villa. Pansy was engaged to a Russian man twice her age who would be picking her up and taking her on a world wide trek before returning to London to wed in the fall. I was going home to sip bourbon, brood as I walked the gardens, and listen to my mother prattle on about fashion, new hair styles, parties, and redecorating.
           "Draco, hey! Where are we going tonight?" Hermione had come up behind me and as I turned to face her those eyes grew dark and suspicious. Her ruffled shirt caught the bit of wind, sending goosebumps across her upper chest, and the seemed to fill my mind. How did I start this? Was I being selfish to choose for us both? No. This was for her own good. Being selfless was hard for me but tonight it was necessary. As our eyes met, her brown seeing into my grey, a look of realization formed.
           "Why? We've been happy together six months. Nothing's gone wrong, has it?"
           "No. I've changed my mind, that's all."
           She bit her lip and tugged a bit of hair. Changed my mind. That's the best I could come up with? I could have said we weren't good together, that I wasn't happy enough, that I couldn't lie anymore, that I didn't want to hold her back. Even those lies -and the truth- would have sounded better, friendlier, than 'I changed my mind'. Way to go Draco! Way to go. It had been years since I actually pretended being Pureblood was better than being anything else. Now though, it was the perfect coward's fall back. I changed my mind. Hurt crossed her face and she seemed smaller than she had only moments ago. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on initially and it isn't my intent to hurt you anymore. I'll be honest now; we never would have worked."
           "I had just begun to give...love a second glance."
           That was the closest she had come to saying those three words. Oh what I would have given to tell her I loved her and that was why I was letting her go! She had potential and charisma and talent and beauty and cleverness. Opportunities were throwing themselves at her and she had only to pick her favorites.
           "That sort of rubbish only seems to hurt us in the end."
           There. I'd crushed her. We had taken our N.E.W.T's and finished Hogwarts. I had to let her go. Why wasn't she leaving? Run Hermione. Run and curse my name and fall into Potter or Weasley's arms and cry until you feel better. Convince yourself that I was an ass who was just here to waste your time. Tell yourself that you will be better without me. Please just run. Let me keep my pride intact, just this shred. Please. No? Ok. Fine. I summoned my packed bags and broomstick from where I had hidden then near the outside staircase while she stood shaking. As I mounted my Firebolt the soft pressure of her fingers trailed down my spine, lingering on the waistline of my trousers, before curving around my buttocks and falling back to her side. Hermione was too smart to actually believe my words. Her eyes searched mine as she looked for the real reason. She wouldn't find it there. Not at this moment. I occluded and prayed she hadn't decided to learn Legimancy in the past few years.
           "Let me go with you. We can go anywhere now. Isn't this what we were talking about last week? It's our turn to do what we want and go where we feel. Draco, I don't know what brought this on but I know you are trying to convince me you mean what you are saying. Why can't we stay together?"
           She almost seemed pleading though her strong nature was still present. There was no time to make her see. "Hermione. I changed my mind. I don't want to be in London. I don't want to be with you. There is a whole world of girls and discoveries out there and I plan to take them all. I'm never going to settle down. I don't have time for this. For us."
           After a few moments of quiet watching, seeing the determination and knowing she saw right through my lie I drew my wand and pointed it between her eyes. She huffed and tilted her chin up before whispering words carried to me on the wind. "I know you won't hurt me. I know it that same way I know you are lying to me right now." If she was going for the soft and quiet method I would go for honest and bold. "I'd never be able to intentionally harm you after the months we've spent together. I'm trying to stop you from hurting later. I'm trying to convince myself that Obliviating you would help at this point. I don't want you to remember all this and miss me."
           "Don't. Please. Don't take away all the good memories. Stay with me. Just stay. You obviously want to."
           Despite her plea this had to be done. A temporary but strong targeted memory charm would be perfect. Madame Pomfrey wouldn't want to undo it and risk causing more damage when it was fading on its own. Hermione would remember everything I took over the course of a year as the charm lost strength. By the time she realized I had done this she would loath me. That, and she'd be out of the country.
          She stepped forward and clung to my shoulders. With careful, slow movement I pointed my wand to her temple and murmured. That cleared the first civil conversation we'd had on Halloween gently from her mind.
          She felt its absence and continued to beg. Stop. But I couldn't. Not now. I extracted our accidental Hogsmeade date as she continued, her eyes now wet.
          "I'm so sorry sweetie..."
          Our confession session in the empty classroom on the fifth floor faded. She would remember in the order I took things from her, if all went according to plan. It would be frightening to get some information, such as our cozier nights together, before the foundation. I didn't want her thinking she was a one night stand for me. Though, that might have hurt us both less.
          "This will all turn out alright..."
          The next memory, the one of our first kiss -it happened as we joked about kissing while studying for N.E.W.T.'s in the Head Tower Common room- slipped from her memory. It was followed by the rest of that night, as we had ended up snogging for hours on the couches and in windowsills. I had never been as grateful as I was that night about the two of us becoming Head Boy and Girl. Was putting two teenagers in a tower alone really a good idea, despite both being the top students in the school?
          "You are going to go on to do such amazing things. I can't hold you back lovely. I'm selfish, but not when it would hurt you..."
          Next in the line up was most of the holiday break. We had both stayed behind to watch over the younger students (Hermione's parents still thought they had no child and lived in Australia. Malfoy Manor would be cold and grim this year. Mother had been taking care of my father with a Healer's assistance for months now and he was slowly recovering. It would be quiet as usual but eerie. Plus, Hermione was here.) We had slept in each other's beds occasionally prior to this point and only now expanded mine and shared it every night. There was no need to be apart when so few people remained to knock on one of our personal doors. After the break we had grown used to the others warmth as we slept and continued to share a bed.
          "I'm sorry. So bloody sorry..."
          As we came closer to summer more and more memories had to be blurred or taken. Every class after early February was altered because of the enchanted parchment we used to write each other and talk during class. Every break we spent together was taken or altered for some variation in memories. The closer we got to March the more holes started appearing. March was when we first shared our entire selves. There had been plenty of touching and caresses but March 16 we went further. Sex with Hermione was a dream. She seemed to think the same about me.
          "I can say this now. Just this once. I love you. Hermione, you could have been my world..."
          April was the cruelest month to take from her. We had spent endless nights sitting in the windowsill with our feet draped over the edge, talking about the future. We often shed our clothes the second we got back from dinner and didn't put them back on until getting ready for breakfast the next day. Every minute was full of each other and laughter and...love. Shit. I did love her. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Tonight I was breaking both our hearts.
          "I love you. I love you. I love you..."
          I murmured those words against her forehead before hugging her, kissing her intensely one last time, mounting my broom, and looking into her hollowed eyes. There were still tears but confusion was almost as evident. One last wave took the entire 24 hours of April 10th with it. We had spent all Saturday "At Hogsmeade" as far as everyone else knew. In actuality we locked ourselves in the tower and spent the day eating desserts, curled up together on the couch, in front of the blazing fire, and exploring each other's bodies whenever the fancy struck. It was the perfect Saturday and I was loathed to take it from her. She had said after a particularly amazing and intimate hour that it was the happiest she had ever been. If I didn't take this memory everything else was a waste. If I did, I was an ass. Better an ass than the alternative. She would be hurt but she would be free.
          "I'm sorry love. Forgive me. Eventually. Please. Forgive me..."
          She started to pull away as our last memories together vanished into the furthest recesses of her mind. There was no reason (left in her mind) why we would ever embrace. Draco Malfoy was just that boy who had degraded her for years then come clean to finally cut ties with old prejudices and fought for the light. I was forgiven in her mind but not a friend. No, no more than merely a school acquaintance. One last spell planted a memory of me in the Head Tower packing and mentioning leaving that night into her befuddled mind. "See you around, Granger." With a last kiss to her forehead my broom lifted me off and when I opened my eyes again the gates of Hogwarts were passing below me. The wind, or so I told myself, ripped moisture from my eyes as I flew for Wiltshire and the manor it held. Only once both feet were crossing into the grand entry of the Manor did I turn around towards Hogwarts and shut the door to the outside world. This was home and it was where I would hide for the next few weeks to nurse my injured pride and broken heart before making my own way in the world.
           That night I sipped brandy and glared into the fire. My mother came in and stood behind me, summoning her words.
           "Draco, I thought you would be off exploring the world with that mystery girl you are always swooning over."
           "We broke up. I called it off before everything could fall apart."
           It was quiet for a few moments before she spoke and loudly closed the study's door behind her. She sat next to me and poured a larger-than-proper glass of wine.
           "Pity. I had hoped to be a grandmother in the near future."
           It was her way of cracking a joke. Late into the night she held my limp hand as I ranted, raged, and sobbed. Only she had seen me like this. Only she would.

Hermione POV
Be Strong and Move On. Song: Ne Me Quitte Pas by Nina Simone www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5FjvW… (This video has lyrics in English going across the video, though just listening to the tune in French gets across the emotions of the chapter perfectly.) (Also in Spotify)

           Ginny sat behind me braiding my hair while Harry and Ron sat staring at the carpet in front of the fireplace. The clock continued to click by. Both of them had convinced me to visit Madame Pomfrey this morning after my third consecutive day of hardly eating breakfast, then quickly rushing to the bathroom to vomit. When Harry and Ginny found me weeping on the grand staircase last Friday they rushed me to Madame Pomfrey and stayed the night with me. I had been subject to a strong, but slowly fading memory charm. It couldn't safely be removed by Poppy due to the chunks missing. If there had been a clear start and end of the memory it would have been simple. As it was I was told to pay attention to everything unexplainable that caught my attention. If I focused on the lost parts or found a common theme my mind would fill in blanks. When I left the next morning breakfast was already half way through. Luckily, I had eaten alone in the hospital (though eating made my stomach clench and twist Poppy wouldn't hear excuses). I doubted Harry and Ginny would spread my misfortune but we may have passed people on our way to Pomfrey. I knew we had because all that day people had stared and whispered. Now, three days later, it was expected and I had begun to tune it out. Harry, Ron, and Ginny deserved the truth.
           It was all nerves and a misplaced feeling of heartache, but then I'd have to admit that I didn't hate whoever caused this in the first place. That conversation would be painful to endure and the past few days had been rough enough. Harry looked at Ginny, who was the first I had told and the one who encouraged me to confide in the boys, and seemed to understand that this wasn't news to her. As I knew it would be, Ron spoke first.
           "So one more time; you're saying you're pregnant and we don't know who the father is? We didn't know you were involved with anyone. You said last term at the welcoming feast that you weren't ready to be in a serious relationship and now you're pregnant! Do you even know who the father is?" Taking my only chance, while Ron was inhaling and preparing for another rant, I spoke quickly. "I don't have to report to you, Ronald. I must have wanted something that was my own. Something special and secret and lovely. I knew the father obviously. My memories are tampered with as early as October. We obviously knew each other. He wasn't a one time thing. Judging by how much is missing after December we were quite close. He must have done this for a reason, though he didn't know about our baby."
           "Blimey Hermione! How many other blokes did you sleep with since telling me off? Were you ever interested in what I had to offer?"
           I was about to tell him I had briefly wanted to date him but Harry came to my rescue after Ron's low blow with stern words and a reminder of his own twisting loyalties. (From Lavender Brown to leaving us in the forest.) Once his words were out and Ron stood, mouth ajar, Harry wrapped his arms around my shoulders and asked what I wanted to do. Since the final battle he had grown up and become the voice of reason for me. Once again Ron had to ruin the moment. "You should give it up for adoption. If the guy didn't want you he obviously doesn't want the kid either. He won't help and you aren't old enough to take care of the thing."
           "What Hermione does or doesn't do isn't up to either of us. It's up to her. If I was in your position I wouldn't be able to give up my baby. After being raised by the Dursley's I know what it's like to be unwanted and given up on. Adoptions, with adoption agencies and professionals, are much safer than being tossed to your Aunt but even so. I'll be here no matter what. If you decided to raise the baby I'd help babysit and take shifts at night so you could rest or if you placed them up for adoption I would help find a good magical agency and go with you to meet the perspective parents."
           There. The worst part was over. From here I had to notify my recently memory-repaired parents, the new head of house, and felt obligated to inform McGonagall. Ron had been my biggest worry besides my parents and he was the only one I feared rejection from. If Harry hadn't defended me it would have been a lot worse. (Surprisingly my parents took the news a lot better than I expected. They started coddling and comforting me right away and made promises similar to Harry's.) Oddly, it was the next day in McGonagall's office that took the most courage.
           "Miss Granger, if it was any earlier in the year this would have had some serious consequences. Do you understand what this almost cost you? Your grades, your NEWTS, your Head girl status, the honor of the school! If the press gets a hold of this things will go very poorly for you. Before I would have said you would never get caught in a situation like this; now I am offering you my assistance and protection. I'm assuming you know who the father is and I suggest you inform him of this life event immediately. Things will be easier if you do. If you want to give the child up for adoption I can give you a list of good families who are looking. When the time comes to decide you will have support from family and friends but this road is going to be harder than any others you've walked, Miss Granger. I hope you understand the severity of your actions. You do know who the father is? Has he been informed?"
           At my blank look out the window she exclaimed, "Goodness child!" and refilled my teacup with the prenatal/anti-nausea blend I had been given. Had my cheeks ever been more flushed?  
           Madame Pomfrey found me in one of the hallways and took me back to the infirmary for a calming draft, anti-nausea, and prenatal spells. It was there I spent the evening. Harry came in around eight and sat in the windowsill with me. "Hermione, do you think he would come back if he knew?" This was it. Either I lied to Harry or risk the chance of him thinking Ron was right, that I had been sleeping around. Gryffindor bravery, don't fail me now.
           "Actually Harry, I don't know how to properly say this but, umm, I'm not actually sure if he would come back or if I know who he was. Everything from the past few month is a bit off and I think this will make more sense once my mind connects the pieces again. I can remember all the facts from school and what I was doing at times and some of the newer friendships I made but the closer I get to March the less I clear it becomes. I don't know Harry. If he left me there was obviously a reason. He may come back out of pity but I doubt anyone our age actually wants a baby. Maybe Lavender would have but... (I still couldn't think about those who died in the Final Battle without stumbling over my words.) This baby would be a mistake in his mind. He may come back just because it's an heir, his child, but I wouldn't want him around if that was the case. I don't know Harry. I'm a bit lost at the moment."
           Harry held me as I cried and told me it would be okay. He sounded so certain about it. More so than I could be at the moment. How was I supposed to provide for two fresh out of school? I knew being the smartest witch in my year had benefits. My internship wasn't going to happen now. Perhaps I could still move to a new country and start over there. Everything was a possibility now that Hogwarts was over. That might be exactly what I needed. A fresh start.
          After tomorrow we would be leaving Hogwarts and not returning come fall. Harry and Ginny had been pulled into a Quidditch match by Ron and a few others who were looking for a last fight or two on an actual pitch. My morning had consisted of a final check up from Poppy, who I'd asked to be my primary Healer and Midwife. (This couldn't get out and Poppy had been my only Mediwitch. Hogwarts would be the most comfortable place for me to visit and deliver my baby.) As we finished up I moved to the window and watched the players on broomsticks fly below. Something looked off. Perhaps it was the colors or maybe the absence of. This scene looked familiar, comforting, but changed. Any other time it would have seemed abnormal but recently most of the color seemed drained from my world.
         "Deary, perhaps you should go down and watch. I've never seen you interested in Quidditch before and this may help you fill in blank spaces." I didn't turn around but shrugged and mentioned that the colors were wrong. Poppy looked out with me and grunted when something hit her. She asked me to describe the colors to her and try to explain. Obviously there was a reason only one of us could see. Ron and Ginny were easily spotted with their red hair. Harry was playing Seeker. There were a few people from the Ravenclaw team playing with them, judging by the team robes they wore, and one of the Chasers wore a black and yellow uniform. Hufflepuff. The sky was as blue as ever and the grass looked greener than before. "Perhaps I will go down and watch the match. Fresh air could be helpful right now."
           As I left Madame Pomfrey muttered something about "maiming his pointy little face" while she bustled around preparing the wing for summer break. That term had been used before around me but at the moment I couldn't place it. Walking to the pitch was perfect on my frayed nerves and queasy stomach but the game had ended by the time I reached the others. Talking and laughing with Ginny on the way back to the castle was just as therapeutic. Ron had been a git since finding out about the bundle of cells I now carried inside me. (Ginny had joked that is was just because he wanted to spawn his own Weasley army and was jealous that I'd have a head start. It made me smile but I doubted that was the reason. Ron hadn't ever stopped trying to change my mind about dating him.) Monday was the start of a new life. Who knew what I'd being doing in a month? I could be in London by myself. I could be in Italy trying to do that internship despite recent discoveries. Maybe I would  leave for America and work at a coffee shop until a high paying position opened in their Ministry of Magic. Most likely I would buy a small flat in London and spend my time at a local cafe reading, sipping, and following whatever muse struck me that morning. I would be close to Poppy, close to Harry and Ginny, and safely wrapped in London's arms. After this past term I could use some relaxation to rest my racing mind. Besides, if I went abroad I may never fill my memories again.